Look, if you’re a woman who’s offended by the mere title of this post, you need to get over yourself. You’re living in a time that women in the 1940’s only dreamed of experiencing. If you’re a man and you’re offended by the title, chances are you wear pants that are 2 sizes to small for you and you probably like other men on top of you, naked. So come with me for a trip down memory lane to a simpler time, when you could have left your door unlocked at night and your wife tied to a fence in the backyard.
1. Heinz Tomato Soup: Leave it to a tomato soup company to inform you that “Most husbands, nowadays, have stopped beating their wives…”
2. PEP VItamins: In order to get women to take better care of themselves, the geniuses at PEP suggest that the harder you work, the cuter you’ll be. If that’s the case Crystal Meth should replace plastic surgery.
3. Tipalet Cigarettes: I don’t know what the fuck a “Tipalet” is, but apparently you can blow it in some hot chicks face and she won’t smack you. In fact she’ll “follow you anywhere”. Where are these women today?
4. Casio Calculator: What we have here folks is a calculator for women. Why would you need a calculator for women? Apparently the women of the 1940’s and ’50’s were total dipshits who couldn’t take the top off of a bottle of ketchup let alone add a pair of numbers on a manulator. Big ass number keys, just like a baby toy.
5. Chase & Sanborn Coffee: Wow. This one doesn’t mess around. No ambiguity here, listen up housewife, if you bring home some crap coffee he’ll beat you. Scare tactics the Bush administration would be proud of.
6. Pitney-Bowes Postage Meter: I can’t really make out what’s happening here but it’s clear from the headline that if “the woman” screws with your postage, settle down. Take a deep breath, regroup, and try not to murder it, I mean her.
7. Mr. Leggs Pants: Hahaha.. sorry. This one is so offensive even I was like “whoa.. hey, what the hell is going on here”. Ok here’s the deal. Mr Leggs slacks are so pimp, she’ll let you walk all over her. You’ve got to appreciate the foot on the head, which really drives the message home.
First Goleta burned, now Sesnon is burning. Seems if you live in a city with a stupid name, chances that God will smite your city are pretty high. Scientists from JPL are busy trying to determine other cities that could face future wraths. The 10 cities most in danger of spontaneous combustion are:
Aptos
Dulzura
Exeter
Graeagle
Hilmar
Moraga
Olema
Shafter
Turlock
Ukiah
If the city [...]
I recently ordered some RAM from newegg. Newegg is pretty great at getting good shit at reasonable prices. They are located across the street from where I work. I ordered this RAM on Wednesday. There is no reason it should take more than one day to put some computer components in a box, and ship [...]
Look, if you’re a woman who’s offended by the mere title of this post, you need to get over yourself. You’re living in a time that women in the 1940’s only dreamed of experiencing. If you’re a man and you’re offended by the title, chances are you wear pants that are 2 sizes to small [...]
Remember when magic was cool? A magician would perform everything from card tricks to making tigers disappear. Where has all the magic gone? We’re left with a bunch of hacks and talentless douchebags. Enter David Blaine. 1997 releases David Blaine: Street Magic. Awesome. Had a lot of promise. He opted to ditch the stage and put [...]
As I get older most of my friends are getting married and having kids. A night out on the town isn’t as easy as it used to be. There’s a plethora of problems that arise when the issue of leaving a baby behind is suggested. The baby doesn’t like to be alone. The baby isn’t [...]
First Goleta burned, now Sesnon is burning. Seems if you live in a city with a stupid name, chances that God will smite your city are pretty high. Scientists from JPL are busy trying to determine other cities that could face future wraths. The 10 cities most in danger of spontaneous combustion are:
Aptos
Dulzura
Exeter
Graeagle
Hilmar
Moraga
Olema
Shafter
Turlock
Ukiah
If the city [...]
I recently ordered some RAM from newegg. Newegg is pretty great at getting good shit at reasonable prices. They are located across the street from where I work. I ordered this RAM on Wednesday. There is no reason it should take more than one day to put some computer components in a box, and ship [...]
So today I made a journey down to Starbucks. Starbucks, who you all very well know, excel in making drinks and pastries worthy of being served in the finest concentration camps. Whoever is in charge of dressing these shit-cakes up deserves to win an oscar. Everything they make looks delicious and tempting.
I asked the ogre [...]
After listening to the new Coldplay album, Viva la Vida, it appears there was no way to make this album without employing the help of a wizard. Lucky for Coldplay, Chris Martin is a family friend of ‘Gandalf the white’. Not only was he able to help Chris arrange excellent string accompaniments, but he was able [...]
On February 17, 2009, federal law requires that all full-power television broadcast stations stop broadcasting in analog format and broadcast only in digital format.
I get a lot of questions and concerns regarding this issue from older confused folks. I made a list to help you figure out if this will affect you.
#1 : Does your [...]
So I was at a local coffee shop getting some accelerants for my brain when this older lady walked up to me and asked if I knew where the post office was. The conversation went like this:
Older Lady: “Excuse me, you know where the post office is?”
Me: “Yeah, just go out this street and make [...]
